So I sit here at my son’s appt and I am watching Will and Izzy play. My first thought is how much I love them. It still just amazes me how much still. The moment they were born such love filled the room. I am so blessed beyond belief by these little people that are in my life teaching me something new every day.

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Right now my husband is out of town for work. He works on guns for the Navy. He actually missed the birth of our daughter. It still affects me today. I even cried yesterday about it. Yes I am that person.

So I realize that a lot of the time I go to bed with the attitude that tomorrow is it. I will do what I need to do and lose the weight.  I have that feeling even now. However I know me and that will not happen. So why is that?  Why do I make myself promises I cannot keep? What is holding me back?

They say no one can change you but you. I only half believe that because friends and family who support you along the way can help too. They are part of that journey. They are the better and the worse. They can do it.

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I think that is my problem. I have a goal but no plans that are written down. So maybe by blogging my plan I can make it more apparent. Besides the few of you that read this blog might say you said you were going to do this but didn’t. So what is your problem, why didn’t you keep your word?

I have changed into someone I am not so happy with. I am honestly not as reliable as I used to be. I cannot make plans at a huge time in advance because when it gets close I may just not want to do that at all.

I have put us in a huge amount of debt that I am not thankful for with no idea how to get out if I cannot find a job I like. You would think any job would suffice but I get bored.

If someone would have asked me ten years ago where I would be only half of where I am is what I would have predicted. 

I have this size Small Dress that I bought and was maybe only 10 lbs away from fitting in it. Now I am 125 away. I would love to get back in that dress.

Gaining all this weight back honestly makes me not want to go in public. I feel judged and disappointed.  I feel like I let so many people down. Maybe if I hide they will not notice.

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