Do you have confidence? Do you talk yourself out of doing a lot of things? Do you reject peoples compliments? By rejecting compliments I mean if someone says you look great and you reply what I’ve had this outfit forever. Do you ever feel stupid or unworthy? Do you avoid some social situations because you worry about what other people will think? Do you feel unattractive or not good enough?
Well if you don’t I do so don’t worry. I do not have any confidence at all, not even being a mother. I worry all the time if I am making the right decision. I am an extrovert however. Always wanting to talk to people. Sometimes I never shut up. However I talk myself out of a lot of things. I mean a lot. I also talk myself into a lot of stupid things. I work that in with my ability to not say the word no. Hey can I borrow $200.00? Yes. Hey can you go help someone in New York for three months and be away from your family for no extra money and a bonus that we tell you will get but never really get? Yes. See what I mean.
I am queen of rejecting compliments. Tonight for instance my husband said awe you were so beautiful (as I was looking at our wedding photos to post into another post.) I said well you never told me that on that day. He said yes I did. So we went back and forth with that for awhile. I do that probably every day at least. I have the hardest time learning to accept help in all ways especially in the way of compliments. Guys it is okay to say, Thank You!
So I am going to skip the stupid and unworthy conversation because that just brings up way too much for me. Instead I am going to jump into avoiding social situations. That is a huge thing for me. I avoid my husbands co-workers like I avoid the plague. The reason being is last time I saw them I weighed 180lbs on my way down to 161 was my lowest. Today I have popped back up to about 290. So ummm yeah… awkward. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed for them to see me. So much that I avoided a Halloween Party last year and I really want to avoid a party a friend of his is having on Sunday.
Tony told me one day last week about this party his friend was having. My first thought was how can I get out of this? My second thought was why, his wife hates me. I even told him that if we cannot find a baby sitter that he can go and I can stay here with the kids. Like I said I am just embarrassed. To me some of them are the most judgmental people I have ever met. Also 90% of the time I do not like who my husband becomes when he is around them. We always end up arguing on the way home and I HATE IT!!!
Well I always feel unattractive as someone often does when they rarely hear that they are beautiful or pretty or any other descriptive word from anyone. I rarely heard it as a child too, nothing was good enough for my mother. It still isn’t good enough either but that’s neither here nor there. A few guys have told me in the past maybe once or twice and the same with my husband, maybe once or twice. You tell someone something enough they start to believe it, RIGHT? Well the same thing if you do not tell them something, they start to believe it.
I believe I mentioned before about I found out that the easiest way to show me love is through affirmation. Yeah I still do not get that and it still drives me nuts. Granted my end isn’t 100% together since I have been sick for a month. (I am working on it, I felt like I had improved and he hadn’t, but then again I could be wrong.) I am the type person that needs to feel appreciated and cared for in order to show it but at some point we both have to give a little bit.