I used to be desirable by the one that out the ring on my finger. I used to have a smaller weight to my stats. I used to have more energy. I used to be young and happy.  The only thing I used to be that was bad is childless. Nothing in the world could replace my children. 

I have always been told that if I lose weight I need to do it for me. Well I did it once. I am not sure who I did it for because I screwed that up too, much like I do everything. So let’s start there.  At one point in my life I let myself get up to 274lbs.  Yes it was after two children but lots of people lose that weight so that is no excuse. Now please keep in mind that this is 34lbs more than when I got married.  Most of my life I have been a larger woman. 

I am not sure what changed in life and what made me want to try the diet that worked better than any of them had.  At least that is what I thought. I started HMR in April and by December I was down to 160.2lbs.  10.2pbs short of my goal but I was proud of myself.  I might have even stayed there.  However all the people who begged me to try something are the same ones that ruined me at my smaller size.  I heard things like, “You are too skinny.”  “You look sick.” “Oh my you can see all your bones.”  I am 5’7 and yes my BMI states to be lower but I was happy there.  Did I want to look like a skinny Asian woman, maybe but at that point I was content.  

Now let me point out that while on this diet I had great support and knew any and all side affects if any.  I did lose a lot of hair but was always told after the diet it would come back.  Which OMG has it. I think it’s tripled. I have never had hair this long. I like it but gosh it is hot. How do you long hair ladies do it?

So let me get back on track.  During this diet I got a job on a temp assignment as a recruiter and absolutely loved it. The negative…..I started working 17 plus hrs a day and ate whatever was around therefore creeping back up.  The HMR diet went out the window as did all the money spent doing it. 

A few months later after eating what I refer to as normal food again, I began having pain.  I had horrendous acid reflux and what I refer to as bubbles.  Turns out those bubbles was my gallbladder saying get me out.  I still have them every now and then.  To me it almost feels like a baby kicking.  So out it came and weeks later I still had issues.  I was told I had Sphincter of Uddi Disorder.  I did not make that up I promise.  Uddi later I had to have a stint out in to help my digestive system.  Well I am not sure I lasted a month but I was in so much pain that they took it out. 

I still to this day have pains.  I am trying to narrow it down as to what I eat or drink to cause it.  I am pretty sure soft drinks are evil. However I am a diet drink lover. Day 1 without today baha. I have a lot of day ones.  Which is why I have a headache too.  

So the last two days I have decided this is enough.  I have been working my tail off in our home cleaning like it should be taken care of.  Unfortunately that means less attention to my beautiful children while I catch up on housework.  I know they will not be little forever but dust free helps us all breath better.  (BTW my kiddos are 10, 5 and 4.  Yes I consider my step-son mine. He just has double parents.) 

So present day.  I would say I am 300lbs. So I gained my 115lbs and 26 more back. Yes I feel it on my body.  Yes I feel it on my joints.  Yes I tire easily when working and sweating but I keep going.  YES MY BIGGEST FEAR IS PEELING OVER FROM WEIGHT AND STRAIN ON MY BODY AND LEAVING MY FAMILY.  

I know what you are saying.  Why does she not do something about it? Why is she just talking and not acting? Why does she not get off her lazy ass?

Well 1st…I have done many diets.  I NEED A LIFE STYLE CHANGE.  Second, overeating is an addiction and it’s not easy.  You give up something and see how you feel and do not tell me you did. We all have but this is HUGE.  Third, I am a person who is competitive and likes doing things with others.  Well we are poor right now so gyms are not an option. I am not a heat person so outdoors goes by too. The truth is I get excited and then something happens to ruin my happy bubble and I have to start all over. The last week I have been trying. I have been working hard around the house indoor and outdoor. I usually attempt to sit down after dinner.  To me that’s good and it’s progress.  I have a 100oz bottle that I am now making it a goal to drink the entire thing every day.  It is not half my body weight but it is again a start.  I have not drank this much water since HMR.  Also I am not lazy.  I will work my ass off for what needs to be done.  I work hard for friends, family and sometimes myself.  

My biggest issue is I always think I am not important enough to change.  I know you are probably saying that I have posted about this before so why now does it all change?  I guess you and I will just have to wait and see.  I am my biggest critic!!!!

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